


Turning Point

by ptyx



Series: Mandala [4]
Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-08
Updated: 2004-11-08
Packaged: 2017-10-11 14:39:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/113523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ptyx/pseuds/ptyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day Snape turned to Dumbledore's side. (The events in this story happened before "Mandala", but I recommend you to read it after "Winter Thunder" (or, at least, after "Mandala").</p>
            </blockquote>





	Turning Point

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by Morgan D. and Spinning Compass.

**Turning Point**

 

He came to me battered, utterly broken. I almost didn't recognise him when he entered my office, so physically and psychologically mangled he was. He sat in front of my desk, and simply couldn't speak. I tried to read his expression: there was deep weariness, insecurity and despair. Perhaps shame. He couldn't face me. He, who had always been so straightforward, so candid as a child.

"Severus, do you want some tea?" I asked him, trying to make   
him at ease.

He shook his head, absolutely disheartened.

"Then tell me what is upsetting you so much."

"I... You know that I... that I'm a Death Eater, don't you?"

His openness shouldn't have surprised me. As I've just said, when he   
was a child he was singularly candid. But I wasn't used to candour. Even   
less coming from... a Death Eater.

"I know, Severus."

"I... I killed a man last night."

"At the attack on that Muggle inn? Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry."

"You are sorry? What do you mean? I killed a man! I... didn't think   
that I would feel like that. But I do. I can't go on with them. What they   
are doing, it's genocide. In the beginning, it was only the Muggles. Now   
it makes no difference if it's a Muggle or a Wizard. If you are not with   
them, you are rubbish. Life is not important to them, in any way. I didn't   
think I would mind it, but I do."

He let out a choked sob, and hid his face in his hands. I got up and   
approached him. I held his hands between mine.

He stared at me, surprised, as if he didn't find himself worthy of my   
care.

"Headmaster, I don't know what to do. I only know I don't want to   
be with them any more. My life is in your hands. You are more powerful   
than I am; you can subjugate me and call the Aurors. However, before they   
put me in Azkaban, I will kill myself."

"Don't say such a thing, my boy!" I squeezed his hands firmly.   
"Let's have some tea and talk things over calmly. If you want, I   
can have a bedroom prepared for you. You can take a bath, rest and eat,   
and then we will talk."

He got up abruptly, turning away from me. "Don't you understand?   
None of what you are saying makes any sense now. Nothing makes sense anymore.   
I can't stand... being who I am."

I saw that the simple pleasures of life - a tea, a sherbet lemon, a pair   
of thick woollen socks - wouldn't calm him, wouldn't bring him back to   
our daily, ordinary life. He was in one of those turning points, those   
do-or-die moments. I don't know very well how to handle people in that   
state, I admit. I probed his mind - subtly, because I didn't want him   
to notice it - trying to find a way to calm him. What I saw there was   
so dark and despairing that I withdrew. However, he had come to me. That   
must mean something. There might be a hope somewhere.

"Severus, we are who we choose to be. You have made the wrong choices,   
even for yourself."

He lifted his eyes to me, as if waiting to be punished verbally, though   
not as a child who fears the punishment, but as someone who craves for   
it.

"No, Severus, I'm not going to report you to the Ministry, or punish   
you in any way. You are already punishing yourself, carrying all this   
guilt."

"Headmaster, I am a Death Eater! I tortured people. And yesterday   
I killed a man. I... didn't want to kill him. I had been able to avoid   
it so far. I wanted to cast an Imperius on him and have him pretend to   
be dead. But he was so frightened when I possessed his mind that he must   
have died of fright."

I let out a deep breath, relieved. He hadn't killed on purpose. That   
mattered a lot to me.

"So it was an accident," I said, trying to comfort him.

"An accident? We have attacked an inn and killed everybody inside!"

"But you didn't intend to kill him."

"What difference does it make?"

"Severus, it also makes no difference whether you feel guilty or   
not. What matters is whether you wish to do something about it."

"If I wish to do anything? I wish I have never been born."

He glared at me, as if I could be blamed for his existence. I restrained   
my wish to remind him that I wasn't his father. Because, in a certain   
way, I was responsible for what he had become. I had failed in my role.   
Completely.

On second thought, I decided to treat him as if I were his father. Or   
his mother.

I opened my arms to him.

"Come here, Severus."

Perhaps I used some kind of magical inducement, unconsciously. Sometimes   
I do that. It's not on purpose. Or perhaps he felt that he needed to be   
comforted. The fact was that he didn't come to me, but he didn't withdraw   
when I approached and embraced him.

His entire body shuddered. He was crying. I don't know how I know this;   
I simply know: since his childhood, since his Snivellus days, since he   
had joined the Death Eaters, Severus Snape hadn't cried. Until that moment,   
in my arms.

We stayed several minutes like that, embracing each other, his running   
tears soaking my robes. Then I led him back to the chair, and asked the   
house-elves to bring us tea.

Later, when I finally got him to drink a cup of tea and eat some biscuits,   
I told him, "If you came to me, it's because you long for redemption.   
You don't want to go to Azkaban, or die. You want to make something to..."

"I can't undo all the evil I have done, but I can stop the spreading   
of evil. I want to put an end to this, once and for all. I won't have   
peace until he dies."

"Right, Severus. You must stick to it. That's what will give you   
a reason to live in the next days, in the next months."

He lifted his face to me, his eyes still showing sadness and anger, but   
also something else. Now I was very close. One more step and I would get   
what I wanted from him. "Severus, you can have a very important role   
in this war... If you agree with what I am going to propose to you...   
Nobody else can do what I'm going to ask from you."

I knew I had won when I saw that determined glint sparkling in his dark   
eyes. It was a tiny glint, but it brightened his face at first, and then   
everything around us.

I don't think it was a coincidence that Fawkes chose that moment to take   
flight from his perch on the back corner of my office and land on his   
lap.

**The End**


End file.
